Life is a bitch and then you die. Right? Wrong! Life may be a bitch but you don’t have to just roll over, give up, hide, screw up, and then die. Make life your bitch!
If you don’t find this funny, you need a laughing coach. If you do like the idea, get a life coach. “Why,” you ask? Because to concur life you need the help of an expert!
Life is no simple matter. You know that because of all the things that keep you up at night. All the ideas, and guilt, and worries. Things lurking on the back of your mind that remind you of all the things you said you’ll do and you didn’t. You said you’ll get a better job. You said you’ll lose weight. You said you’ll save for retirement. You said you’ll be fit. You said you’ll learn to dance. You said you’ll get out of debt, stop drinking, hang out with better friends, stop fighting with your partner or your parents, take your medication. You said one day you’ll have your own business, stand up to your boss, live on a tropical island, go work overseas on humanitarian projects. You said a lot of things but no one’s there to keep track of any of it and nag you about them.
Just your own inner critic. But you can shut the inner critic up pretty fast with a drink, a joint, a night out, the next episode of whatever…
Remember when your mother used to tell you to clean up your room? She would badger you about it until you finally did it. Remember when your parents kept track of your grades and you felt bad bringing home a bad one? Remember when your teachers used to guilt trip you into doing your homework? Remember when your sports coach made you do so many warm-ups and conditioning, you cursed at him or her but then you did really good at the next event.
As an adult, you get to do whatever you want. No one tells you to eat your vegetables and keep your elbows off the table. So you get a burger on the way home and eat it on the living room table in your pajamas. Hey, that’s a real accomplishment. You get to be the master of your own demise. One pound at the time. One compromise at the time. One procrastination at the time.
That’s why life is a bitch. She whips you silly every time you see that other guy driving an expensive car. Does he really have a small dick or does he love showing off his mega success? She’s spending too much money on fancy purses. Does she really have a sugar daddy, or is she just a badass businesswoman and proud of it? Some of your peers live in nice houses, you still rent. Is it because you did the calculations and found out that rent vs. own makes more sense, or is it because you can’t qualify for a loan?
Life is a bitch if you don’t have your act together.
Hire a life coach. Get your act together.
Make life your bitch.
I’d love to help you.